Okay, I am fully aware that I haven't updated in ridiculously long, so it's about time I did so again. Truth is though, I've been doing so much that I genuinely don't know how to get it all out in one go... Where do I even start? I should also be elated tonight but instead, I feel a kind of numbing deflation and it's not particularly enjoyable.
I've been doing so much to try and better myself, modelling wise, and I'm really proud of what I've managed to achieve in such a short space of time. I feel a strong sense of accomplishment every time I finish a shoot, or every time I get a new email, full of lovely, shiny new images to gobble up, devour and pick apart. I like that I'm slowly getting photographers message me to tell me they want to work with me, and all the while I'm thinking... But why? I'm just a normal girl, yet I'm getting almost daily offers of people wanting to photograph me, and even though some of the offers are a little salacious, it's such a positive step in the right direction and I'm grateful to anyone that wants to work with me. I've been amazingly lucky in who I've managed to work with so far, and with who I have lined up in the coming weeks, it's going to be very, very exciting!
And today I had an offer that should have made me jump with joy, and in all honesty it did make me jump with joy... Initially. I emailed an agency, a great agency, down in London and if I'm being as honest as I should be in a blog, I expected to hear nothing back. So it was with fluttering, anticipatory breaths and jittery fingers on the keyboard that I clicked on the 'one new message' in my email inbox. They had replied almost immediately, asking when I could go down to see them and that they'd love to have me into the agency to liaise. I think that's possibly the moment my heart stopped. This is what I've been working towards, this is exactly what I want, this is my dream and at the moment everything else pales in comparison. I may not have been doing it very long, but when I'm on a shoot, everything goes into it. Physically, every part of my body is modelling, and my brain is concocting my character, my next pose, my facial expressions. I love it, it's pure exhilaration, and I'm sure a lot of people don't understand the fascination.
Essentially, it's sheer escapism. In front of a camera, I can adopt a whole other persona, and for a girl that has struggled lifelong with poor self esteem, it's a fantastic feeling. Now I have the opportunity to make a real go of things; this could become not just a big part of my life, like it is now, but my whole life. If I'm honest, I'd love it to. But in another, childish sense, I'm scared. I have so much to give up if they need me to move down to London. Up here, I have a safety net, and down there I would be freefalling with nobody there to catch me - could I really survive without that backing? It scares me that I'm not so sure. The love of my life is up here, and I know that he's not willing to leave home for London... And why should he? This is my dream, not his, and I refuse to enforce it on him. I'd love for us to do this together, but I can't see it happening and I don't know if our relationship could survive the long-distance. The thought makes my chest ache a little bit, it's all just a little too painful for consideration, as dramatic and ridiculously soppy as that may sound.
But then again I'm probably getting ahead of myself; I haven't even been to the interview yet, let alone been offered a place on their books. I so do want to be offered a place on their books though... So. My flights are booked; I leave Edinburgh and arrive in London on April 18th, ready for a 1pm meeting with the head booker. I'm already terrified, but I'm a big girl, and this opportunity is far too big to mess up.
I think that'll be all for tonight... I'll try and update this more often in the future.
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